White Makes Right

Because it’s just too damn hot

Though tending slightly toward the more expensive side, I assumed summer would find every bulging thigh in south Texas shrink-wrapped in white (at least on those belonging to women). Instead, I find myself mostly alone in my choice of attire. Everyone else might as well be riding with a hot hair dryer pointed at their legs, in my opinion, but perhaps I’m missing something.

White is found more often in the pro peloton than on group rides, so perhaps it’s gauche to wear white when one is not proportionally strong and fast. But now that AG2R has adopted off-black shorts, we’re all doomed and going to have to find a new color. From my brief and unsophisticated research, we’re left with a small range of color choices. Even pink and orange are already taken, so expect purple to dominate the 2010 cycling shorts market.

If issues with faking a pro look aren’t the problem, perhaps it’s the old, “Do these shorts make my butt look big?” Well, no, but your massive chamois pad does.

Most women know that wearing white below the waist is difficult unless one is pencil-thin and never sits down on any surface anywhere at any time. But I keep my saddle clean and have discovered that large-looking thighs are beneficial to my self-esteem, especially when encountering non-cyclists. More than once I’ve heard, “Wow, you look like you ride a lot!” They’re more than welcome to assume I’m as strong as I appear.

A warning, however: The illusion can backfire when you’re new to a group ride. You don’t want to look like you ride a lot when you’re destined to get dropped and you know it.

But back to the practicality of the matter. Black shorts are akin to wrapping yourself in foil like a casserole and baking in a hot oven. If you’re going to be outside in any other situation under a summer sun, you don’t look in your closet for something black, thick and tight, so why would you do the same when you’re anticipating a sweat-fest?